all roads lead to rod rushing

“The greater part of human pain is unnecessary. It is self-created as long as the unobserved mind runs your life.” ~Eckhart Tolle

For a very long time fear has controlled me. It has paralyzed me, kept me living in desperate situations, and stopped me from living the life of my dreams.

It has only been with age and the practice of mindfulness these last few years that I have come to recognize the fear within me, having finally begun the process of facing it.

By facing fear, I don’t mean that I’ve started base-jumping, purposely trapped myself in elevators, or allowed tarantulas to climb all over my body.

I mean that I’ve sat in meditation, watched the fears arise, and rather than react to them or allow them to become part of the stories that make up my life, I’ve observed them in my mind from a distance.

I’ve felt how they’ve manifested in my body, and I’ve moved into that physical discomfort in order to pay attention to fear in a way I’ve never allowed myself to do before.

When I think about the compulsive and addictive activities that have kept me stuck in a place of fear in the past, they all come from stories that play through my head everyday…..

all roads lead to rod rushing. this is a silly quote today from one of the guys in a group i participate in. it really made me laugh. i really cringe doing this,, but i have to admit that i liked hearing it. of course i know it is complete poppycock. i do like a good fantasy now and again though. truthfully, all my problems and issues and joy truly do follow that very road.

two interns from a state university’s human services program have begun to follow me for 30 hours each week. they are very different from each other, age, ethnicity, gender, experience, and acuity. i am looking forward to the challenge of working with them individually and together. somehow i believe my work is to learn through teaching- at least it feels this way. it feels right and it feels natural.

my gab group will be showing “how to survive a plague” tomorrow. i am hoping we have at least 10 people to watch. this would be a coup for our lunchtime get together. there is a part of me that loves to feed these guys. i made a salad with watermelon,  cucumber, tomato, and red onion. i also will put together a flank steak, some arugula with fresh oregano and toss that with lemon and vinaigrette. i still love to cook.

am still reeling from last weeks massacre on the game of thrones. it startled me into adoration and transported me to a more tribal tribal time in our history and the ride was invigorating.  probably just too much tv.

i sat in a meeting discussing challenges with our group and from someone there came a battery of dismissing questions that felt like quick direct blows from a 2×4 walloping my credibility. it bores me that i am still so sensitive.  but i know that quality keeps me real.  the next day i chatted with a new colleague and inquired about their impressions. the question was met with ” i can’t believe you were spoken to in that way”. “i get spoken to like that, but i didn’t think you would experience that, too”. i decided to discuss it with the source because if a new member of our group sees this as a norm, then we definitely need to be healthier. i only hope i can own my own experience in all this and not project.

i took some of the volunteer staff to an “addiction professional magazine” sponsored lunch at macaroni grill. the subject was “rosc” and i kinda felt the presentation was pretty lame. the did discuss an organization known by tpas- which provides recovery support for professionals, but the information and explanation for  a recovery oriented system of care was as dull as a pasta salad left open in the fridge for too long- bland.

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