if they could see me

jayne bottle

“Your work is to discover your work and then with all your heart to give yourself to it.”

i have encountered 2 personalities within the last week that drive me to cartoon land. mostly it was tom & jerry or maybe more like the road runner and the coyote. it seems that they are taking some strength from degrading who i am,  what i do, and how i do what i do. it’s really button pressing.

i’m not a conformist at all. i firmly believe that things need to change if more people are going to start getting better. last week, a colleague came to believe that they were required to instruct me on how to do things if i was to be doing things with them. it ended abruptly because i am not interested in being instructed without my request or permission. more importantly thought, the instructor also inadvertently revealed that their strong suit may be in delegating and instructing and not doing. this was the primary deal breaker for me. while this brouhaha was touching down on my life like a thunderous tornado whipping across the terrain, i felt uprooted and dirt-deviled.  adios and done deal.

the second encounter(s) have vexed me for weeks and the clarity fades in and out like the reflection of a smile in a puddle on the ground. i won’t delve further than to say that i have grown tired of being happy in spite of myself. no more hugging a porcupine.

what i might consider here is my own beating drum. the rhythm that i follow is certainly individual and that action can be the beat of crazy-making for others. I intend no boast here. i don’t like to say it, nor does it make me happy to think it. but i don’t fear failing. having failed  so often, i have come to know that if i fail, i can still survive. This can also be contentious for acquaintances.

i am an old beeyach. i don’t have years and years ahead. i need to work toward the goals that call me. i prefer not to get trapped in child like past times. i have found some things i wish to do. i would like to actually do them. i prefer not to them on command like a beautiful trained pup. although even the most desirable among us have to sing for their supper now and then. or at least we seem to do that for one reason or another. hopefully i can decide when that time is for me.

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