“It is never too late to turn on the light. Your ability to break an unhealthy habit or turn off an old tape doesn’t depend on how long it has been running; a shift in perspective doesn’t depend on how long you’ve held on to the old view. When you flip the switch in that attic, it doesn’t matter whether its been dark for ten minutes, ten years or ten decades. The light still illuminates the room and banishes the murkiness, letting you see the things you couldn’t see before. Its never too late to take a moment to look.” ― Sharon Salzberg, Real Happiness: The Power of Meditation

i am reminded just now about the nature of the kaleidoscope. it takes light and fractures it, reframes it, reflects it, and rearranges it. just like that tornado in kansas did to dorothy’s farmhouse, the world as i know is in the middle of being tossed around like a toy.

old tapes, old shadows, old secret doors just move in and out of focus as my world and it spooks me and it thrills me and it feels like new growth all at the same time.

i honestly can’t say where this whirlwind will drop me when she’s done, but i’m banking on my faith in my life. this is where the commercial for living in long-term recovery actually comes in. an old pattern that was connected to this kaleidoscope of insecurity and not-knowing was to deaden the anxiety that accompanies it by replacing it with some sort of ingested buzz. recovery has shown me that i can actually survive the unknown without disappearing into nothing.

faith, hope, gratitude, and recovery make up the colored bits of glass in my contemporary kaleidoscope.

The word kaleidoscope brings back old memories of a long cylindrical tube with colored pieces of glass or pebbles at the bottom and a series of mirrors which give an infinite number of designs each time the tube is rotated. Known in ancient Greece, the kaleidoscope was reinvented by Sir David Brewster in 1817. The kaleidoscope can actually be used as a metaphor for life: with each twist in the cosmic universe we will experience a change in the settings of our lives. We adapt and live with the change as we adjust our vision to the new pattern of life set before us. Those fortunate few out there who know me well, know that a dichotomy exists within me. On the one hand, I am this very analytical, highly organized, very planned individual who runs a very tight ship, whose course is always set to accomplishment and success. On the other hand, I tend to dislike change. A lot. But when unexpected change happens, I deal with it in a smooth, no-bumps-showing way. I think my problem with change stems from the planned, sustained change that allows us to over-analyze and stew with what is coming up as we wait for its implementation. The reality is that the time spent fretting about change is far longer and more painful than actually going through the change itself. So my advice to self is to just hold your breath and jump in. The ride will be short and the waters smooth on the other side of change. Just do it!!

blessings be!!!!

<ol> <li><a href='https://afterthepop.files.wordpress.com/2015/04/08-whole-damn-year.m4a'>Whole Damn Year</a></li> </ol>

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