“Meditation did not relieve me of my anxiety so much as flesh it out. It took my anxious response to the world, about which I felt a lot of confusion and shame, and let me understand it more completely. Perhaps the best way to phrase it is to say that meditation showed me that the other side of anxiety is desire. They exist in relationship to each other, not independently.” ― Mark Epstein, Open to Desire: Embracing a Lust for Life – Insights from Buddhism and Psychotherapy
i have awakened to another layer of my own reflection and it has me puzzled. mostly i am puzzled because i am struggling to comprehend with intent to control. i know better than this. i don’t control- i only participate. my own nature rears its head and then i cower in its reflection. best i lay back a little, close my eyes and unwind, and remember i am not in charge.
i attempted to advocate for three people today. and i asked for input in helping a fourth. i received no concrete direction on the first 3. i don’t feel great about the guidance re: the 4th. emphasized in the prior sentences is “i” which is not the point. a contemporary informed me that i was talking “over” her. i didn’t like hearing this. again with the “i”. and my real focus continues to be me. would like it to be different.