What’s your name?


There has been a sense of change rattling around in my world. 31 years of living with HIV, 40 years of dealing with addiction and then recovery, dragging my 20th century brain into this millennium and working damn hard to leave my unholy trinity of trauma, shame and guilt behind me.

This rumbling has dusted my being with the thought of shifting gears. Letting go of the need to push the boundaries. Cook more. Garden more. Laugh more. Slow down. Slow down again.

Its weird, for certain. I’ve always felt like a lit fuse. Burning on and on. I just don’t feel that way these days.

When I began this blog and brought kickintina ( my first online foray) to a close, I was fixated on emotional sobriety. I felt lost in my own emotions and Earnie Larsen and my sponsor led me to the doorway of “after the pop”. They say that after 5 years of sobriety you will hear a pop(popping sound here). this is the sound of your head coming out of your ass. Do I dare consider that I have entered that realm? I can only hope.

none-the-less, it feels as if the purpose of the digital journal has come full circle. My allegiance to dogma has softened and my need to accomplish may have gone gray. Without further adieu, I want to say thank you to all those who have read and commented over the 6 year life of this blog. I have a new fetish, and will plant that once it has germinated.

Step Three: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

In Step Two we begin to break down the resistance to the Higher Power and start to build faith. In Step Three we “turn our will and our liv88es over” to this power. There’s nothing mysterious about this process; it’s not a magical ritual and doesn’t require special grace to accomplish. What it requires is commitment.

When we “make a decision” we are committing ourselves to our spiritual life, committing to placing that at the center of our lives, as the guiding principle. For me, this happened in stages. First I committed to sobriety itself; then I committed to the program and the Steps; finally, as I was healed from my addictions, I committed more deeply to my Buddhist practice. This commitment, this “decision,” is what I think is most important about Step Three. It may not matter what we use as a Higher Power, but our commitment to follow a higher purpose does.

I’m like a bird. It’s time to fly.

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