What would you do if your son was at home Crying all alone On the bedroom floor, Cause he’s hungry and the only way to feed him is to sleep with a man for a little bit of money? And his daddy’s gone somewhere smokin’ rock now, In and out of lock down, I ain’t got a job now, So for you this is just a good time But for me this is what I call life Girl, you ain’t the only one with a baby, That’s no excuse to be living all crazy Then she looked me right square in the eye And said, “Everyday I wake up hopin’ to die,” She said, “Nigga, I know about pain ’cause me and my sister ran away, So my daddy couldn’t rape us, Before I was a teenager I done been through more shit You can’t even relate to!!! …. city high
sometimes it seems i am outside the looking glass peering in, trying to see if i am at all connected to what i am able to see from the other side. i would not be surprised if this were a symptom of ptsd, but am really not sure.
i am sure that this doesn’t feel foreign in any way and i am not panicked by it. it’s not a comfort by any means, but it doesn’t telegraph a deterrent or danger really. just something to notice.
i have indulged myself over these last 5 weeks between jobs with a trip to connecticut, a trip to michigan, some new adornments, and many gifts for people i love. i have allowed myself the luxury of gluttony to exercise my frustration with my last place of employment. this really equates to emotional eating which is not at all healthy except with harm reduction in mind. i believe whole-heartedly in harm reduction but i see it as a means to an end not the end.
it’s been challenging to view the events of these 5 weeks with detachment. i am emotionally connected- completely. ahh- perfection why have you forsaken me? (ha)